MPAA Rating: R/Genre: Monster Horror/Stars: Melissa Barrera, Dan Stevens, Alisha Weir, Will Catlett, Kathryn Newton, Kevin Durand, Angus Cloud, Giancarlo Esposito, Matthew Goode/Runtime: 109 minutes

Among the many things I never understood when I was growing up, there was one that (for the purposes of this review) proved to be quite distinct. That being that I never could understand for the life of me why in the world so many girls my age complained whenever they were hired to engage in that timeless job known simply as babysitting. I mean perhaps it was because I was younger, a tad bit more stupid than I am as of this writing, or both, but I guess I saw babysitting as quite the cushy gig all things considered. I mean not only could you eat or drink whatever you wanted out of the host family’s fridge (in other words: free ice cream and tacos), but you could also watch whatever you wanted on their TV as well. Best of all though was the fact that not only did you get to do these things without anyone giving you any grief for doing so, but you actually got paid for doing it. All you had to do was make sure that the family in question’s “sweet and darling little angels” behaved and didn’t completely obliterate the house. Sounds like a pretty awesome gig amiright? Yet whereas younger Alan would’ve said absofreakinglutely this is not younger Alan writing this review. This is older and slightly wiser Alan writing this and I am here to tell you that, my cousin’s boys Aiden and Charlie plus a few other exceptions aside, kids can be nothing more or less than pure grade-A nightmare fodder. I mean not only do they not know the meaning of the phrase “sit down, shut up, and get your math HW done”, but they also have no problems kicking, screaming, punching, scratching, and even trying to gouge your eyes out (like seriously?!) to get their way. Oh and if you give them even an ounce of ice cream then you’ll definitely need something to peel them off the walls that they are about to be climbing with otherwise good luck explaining to the parents what those claw marks on the ceiling are. Put another way: I now see why girls in my middle school (and even a few in my high school) classes actually looked relieved to be in school the day after they babysat for some families and their lost degree of sanity definitely has my condolences. Of course, for all the grief that those people went through, I can’t even begin to imagine how those same people would have fared had the kids they were watching been literal (rather than figurative) monsters. Fortunately, the land of movie magic has decided to tackle this for me with the new slice of cinema, and film I happen to be reviewing for you today, Abigail. A film that shows what happens when a group of highly reluctant babysitters (or kidnappers if you prefer the proper term) find out the hard way that their charge might just be the stuff that bloody nightmares of. It is also a film that I absolutely enjoyed the heck out of. To be sure, it’s by no means perfect, but with the aid of skilled work both behind and in front of the camera, Abigail is definitely a bloody good time and then some in the most fangtastic way possible.

The plot is as follows: Getting its chilling narrative underway, the story of Abigail begins in a rather curious spot. That being an empty auditorium or rather I guess I should say an almost empty auditorium. I say almost because there is at least one person in there engaged in ballet dancing the final act of Swan Lake. This person also, in case you hadn’t put two and five together dear reader, also happens to be our titular character. Yet whilst I would love to tell you that young miss Abigail will merely spend the rest of this film perfecting her dance recital before then performing it in front of a sold-out crowd, that is sadly not the story that we are being told here. A fact quickly and terrifyingly made apparent by the sudden emergence of a gang of 6 aspiring members of the criminal element who proceed to swiftly and mercilessly kidnap her. We soon learn that the reason this gang, all known to each other by codenames tied to the Rat Pack rather than their actual names, consisting of observant medic Joey, morally twisted de-facto group leader Frank, group muscle Peter, computer whiz Sammy, a young man who doesn’t seem to take anything as seriously as perhaps he ought to known as Dean, and another guy known as Rickles who is very much Dean’s opposite in that regard have kidnapped this seemingly sweet and innocent child is because they are interested in scoring and dividing up a cool 50 million dollars that they are hoping will be paid by Abigail’s father who apparently is a pretty significant heavy hitter in that infamous locale known as the criminal underworld. What’s unclear to this group however is just why in the world they have to keep her hostage in an isolated mansion for a time window of no less than 24 hours. Yet even though that is a piece of information that their handler, an older gentleman by the name of Lambert, doesn’t really seem all that keen on sharing, the group really doesn’t seem all that frazzled by it since this does, for all intents and purposes, look like an easy task to accomplish especially with no less than 50 million dollars on the line to be divvied up amongst them once it’s finished. Of course, as we all know dear reader, sometimes when something seems too good to be true that’s because the odds are there’s usually a detail or two that hasn’t yet made itself apparent. Suffice it to say that is definitely the case here. That’s because this child that our group of aspiring criminal masterminds have kidnapped isn’t a child at all, but rather a younger member of the species known as fangicus vampirium or vampire for short. As for what that means for our Reservoir Dogs-style group of criminals however I think that is a detail I will leave for you to discover for yourself dear reader….

Now right off the bat, there is one big detriment that this slice of cinema is stricken with that definitely brings the overall proceedings down a notch or 4. That being that we already know that, thanks to the brilliant marketing department over at Universal Studios, the titular little girl is very much a vampiric force to be reckoned with. Now normally this might not be a problem, but when this is very much something that isn’t known to the cast of characters at the heart of the story for at least the first 30-40 minutes you can definitely find yourself feeling a bit restless waiting for their individual and collective intelligence levels to catch up to your own despite the work in setting up the characters around this time still being fairly well done. Once the undead secret has been let out of the proverbial bag however, there is no denying that the work done by the creative team behind the camera is having an absolute blast with this material. Without a doubt, this starts with co-helmers Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett who, having not only given audiences the incredible Ready or Not to say nothing of doing a terrific job in resurrecting the Scream franchise as of late, proceed to put their distinct stamp on this and the results are just as wonderful as those other films. Indeed not only does this dynamic duo really do a wonderful job of making this film feel as ominous and claustrophobia-inducing as the idea of being stuck inside a locked house with a bloodthirsty vampire on the loose clearly would be, but they also do a wonderful job of ensuring that the comedy and terror are presented in this slice of cinema in equal measure whilst also making sure that the blood quotient (of which there is a hefty amount and then some of here) is present and accounted for as well as the film overall being able to hit a point that the narrative all but necessitates that it should. As a result, don’t be surprised if you find yourself laughing just as much as squirming uncomfortably in your seat at the blood-drenched shenanigans occurring on screen. This slice of cinema also benefits immensely from a terrifically penned screenplay from writing duo Stephen Shields and Guy Busick. Yes they are working with what could basically be described as a vampire story’s greatest hits collection here that I am sure we as movie goers have all seen in other films before, but even so the pair still do a wonderful job of making this film’s script a mix of fairly intelligent and twistedly yet also delightfully darkly comical respectively. Alongside those elements, we see that this slice and dice of horror cinema also comes equipped with top-fang work from its production design team especially when it comes to the look of the main setting in the film which honestly gives off the vibe less that it’s a set for a movie and instead more like an actual house that truth be told I would definitely not mind staying in for 24 hours (unless there was a child vampire in the building as well, but I digress). By doing so, the production design team is able to not only give this film a bit of gravitas where it could have been viewed as lacking substance, but it also really grounds the story in a surprisingly degree of realism as well. Suffice it to say that when you also factor into this distinct horror blend beautiful work from the cinematography department, top-tier editing work, and a phenomenal musical accompaniment from the insanely gifted Brian Tyler among others it’s clear that this is one team that is definitely fangtastic in every sense of the word.

Of course, the other element that can either aid or detract from a slice of cinema without a doubt has to come in the form of the performances given in front of the camera. Thankfully, that is not an issue this slice and dice of horror cinema is saddled with as virtually every single performer in this cast manages to give a genuinely engaging performance here. This starts with Melissa Barrera who is terrific here as the one character whose morals might still be remotely intact. Indeed as “Joey”, Barrera not only gives us a character that brings a surprising degree of gravitas to the proceedings, but is also genuinely hilarious, extremely insightful, and also is able to understand both the situation at hand and how exactly it should be handled. Matching the work done here by Barrera is the always engaging Dan Stevens who looks like he is having an absolute blast here. Indeed in the role of the group’s quasi-sorta leader “Frank” Stevens does a wonderful job of being a blast to watch and getting some truly funny moments here whilst also being genuinely intense and intimidating when the film calls for it. This film also gets delightful performances here from Kevin Durand, Kathryn Newton, and the late Angus Cloud as well. Indeed in regards to Durand, we see that as the slightly moronic group muscle Peter he does a wonderful job of being a guy who is genuinely funny and endearing yet also has no problems with making it clear he can knock you out should the situation call for it. As for Newton, we see that not only does she bring a delightful comedic style all her own, but she also manages to contribute a performance that is an equal mix of engaging and charismatic respectively.  Lastly, we see that the late Angus Cloud does a terrific job of making the character of Dean someone who, yes is very much meant to be irritating, but also is provided with just the right degree of humanity to make him a character who is both relatable and worthy of our empathy. With all of that in mind, there is no denying that this slice and dice of horror cinema would not operate nearly as well as it does if the casting of the titular creature was not up to par with the rest of the casting. Happily I can say that this film definitely found the right star for the role as Alisha Weir is a complete and utter revelation here. Indeed not only does she skillfully transition between a scared kid who is at the heart of a hard-boiled crime thriller like something out of Reservoir Dogs and this bloodthirsty creature in a way that is genuinely chilling, but she also brings a delightfully snarky sense of humor that will have you chuckling in between the moments where you’re clinging to your seat as she rips and bites her way through this bumbling gang of thieves. Suffice it to say that between this and Matilda, this is very much a young actress who has showcased that she is most assuredly part of the group of performers who are the future in the land of movie magic and I hope we as movie goers are getting to see the beginnings of an incredible career in the making here and I can’t wait to see where her career goes from here. Indeed she is that phenomenal here.  Suffice it to say that when you also incorporate into the mix a small yet pivotal and brilliantly acted part from the always great Giancarlo Esposito as the group’s handler of sorts, there is no denying that this is one group of talent who knew the assignment being asked of them here and, by doing so, are able to bring audiences a collection of bloody good performances in front of the camera to enjoy.

All in all and at the end of the day is Abigail a perfect slice and dice of horror cinema? Honestly no, but that’s ok. Few if any films in any genre of movie magic are ever able to attain that. With that in mind however is this the worst thing to happen to vampires since sunlight, garlic, wooden stakes, 2010’s Vampires Suck, the Twilight franchise, or (most terrifying of all) a vampiric Brad Pitt whining to Christian Slater about his life for 2 hours?! Honestly no though in the case of the latter I do happen to have a soft spot for 1994’s Interview with the Vampire because of the amazing friend that recommended it to me. All sarcastic observations aside however dear reader, there is no denying that Abigail is truly a fangtastic time to be had at the movies. To be sure, the movie does start off a bit on the slow side due to the fact that the characters have to catch up with what we as an audience are already aware of in terms of what they are up against. Once the movie brings the characters up to speed on the truly nightmarish situation they have unwittingly walked into however, there is no denying that this slice and dice of horror cinema is an absolute blast. Indeed, the work done behind the camera is phenomenally to say nothing of deftly handled with a loving, incredibly skilled, and bloody brilliant awareness for the kind of film being made as well as the creature at the undead heart of it. As for the work done in front of the camera, it too manages to be terrific as everyone involved, no matter how big or small their part may be, manage to sink their fangs (figuratively speaking….I hope) into their respective parts and manage to give us characters that are both intriguing and worth following through what has got to be one of the worst 24-hour periods that any of them have ever gone through. Suffice it to say then that it might not be perfect by any stretch, but Abigail “2024” is definitely a creepy, gory, and above all fun creature feature that I have no doubt horror movie aficionados are sure to enjoy time and time again. Just make sure to watch it with food that has garlic in it and above all if you walk into the theater and see a little girl walk in by herself to watch it then maybe go see it at another time. After all: better safe than sorry dear reader. Make of that what thou will. On a scale of 1-5 I give Abigail “2024” a solid 4 out of 5.