WARNING – THERE BE COARSE LANGUAGE THROUGHOUT. RETRO REPLAY IS WRITTEN IN A PURELY PARODICAL MANNER.
By: John C. Mayberry (Wait…what? Where the hell was this douche all this time?)
Terrible movies beget terrible games…
Okay, obviously when it comes to reviewing games for the HDMI-spoiled generation, I have a bad habit of going full retard on the plastic turds I choose to review. But then…I remind myself I’m performing a service. So that all you young gamers out there spoiled on your brand new AssBox series FU or something or other, know exactly what to avoid should you desire to discover your gaming roots. And this steaming shit sandwich I’m about to rag on is one that should be avoided for sure. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say this game needs to be E.T.’d, and by that, I mean bury it in a desert somewhere and let it be forgotten.
Now I’ve seen several Joel Schumacher movies, and yeah, I’ll say some of them were very well done. Freaking…The Lost Boys, man. Tell me that wasn’t a good one, I dare you. But as good as the man was, there was absolutely, and I mean ABSOLUTELY no excuse for the 1995 clusterfuck that was Batman Forever. What. The. HELL! Dammit Schumacher, do you realize that because of you and your damn bat-nipples, and turning Mr. Freeze into some lame-ass villain from a stop-motion animated Christmas special in the other one I’m still trying to purge from my head, that there wasn’t another Batman film made for nearly a decade!?!
Wheh!…sorry about that. Guess I needed to vent a little. But really, I’m almost sure Adam West himself said, “Jeez man, take it easy.” And of course, in almost any instance of a shit movie being made into a game, you’re likely going to get a horrible, abominable, cursed, sulfur-scented slab of devil dookie of a game based on it.
Batman Forever was bad enough, but Batman Forever on GameBoy? Who in the fresh fuck thought this was a good idea, especially since the SNES version was equally bad? I shit you not boys and girls, the only slightly redeemable thing about this game was the hit detection, because believe it or not, I actually don’t remember having to worry about whether a hit would land on an enemy or not. Oddly enough too, you’re also shown your completion percentage once you’ve finished one of the levels. But this is a GameBoy port, so for the game itself being short and the lack of anything much really happening in any level you play, and because they hardly make up for the number of things wrong with this elven holiday scented dung heap, that’s not saying much.
For starters, have you ever played the craptacular GameBoy port of Mortal Kombat? Yeah, that one that doesn’t even have Johnny Cage as a fighter? If you have, then you pretty much know how to control the Bat because it’s literally the SAME DAMN MOVE SET! Holy crimson pile of reindeer shit, Batman! I mean, could you even imagine anything lazier than that? At least in that instance pulling off some attack moves isn’t an issue, since, well, if you’ve played Mortal Kombat you pretty much have an idea of what they are and how to do them already. Everything except for the grappling hook, or Bat-rope or whatever the hell anyone wants to call it. Want to give it a try? Go ahead, I’ll wait….right here….waiting….still not able to get it? Really? Don’t feel too bad, because nobody else can either! Even if you took the time to look up the button command yourself, it’s still impossible. I have tried it, many times, and failed to execute it every time. And yes, some may argue the fair point that, “maybe it’s your D-pad that’s not connecting…” except for the fact I tried this on more than one GameBoy, and holy shit guess what still happens boys and girls, still couldn’t get the grappling hook to work!
I mean, sure, GameBoy games in their scope or capacity are much smaller compared to their home console counterparts, so usually there isn’t much to review for them, but come on, man. The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening, Super Mario Land 1 through 3, Donkey Kong Land, perfect examples of how ports on handheld consoles can still be good. But instead, INSTEAD, we received this half-digested ass nugget with a small circuit board embedded in it. Dammit….they did the Bat wrong here kids. So very, very wrong.
This game was a total, inexcusable, blasphemous dookie smear upon one of fiction’s most loved characters. Luckily for us however, a certain TV network has aired a certain miniseries event that has confirmed past DC properties as part of the same multiverse, so it’s justifiable to accept just the Tim Burton-directed films, and write off both Batman Forever and Batman and Robin as unwanted sequels that premiered in another reality that nobody really cares about anyway. Better also, is out there somewhere there exists yet another reality where this ass disaster of a movie and its sequel were never made, so we’d all be spared this subsequent ass disaster of a game! But unfortunately, this is reality, where Batman Forever does exist in film and on GameBoy. And since we can’t simply wish it out of existence boys and girls, I hope I’ve inspired you enough to stay the fuck away from this….whatever this was. I honestly would feel bad even considering this thing a game, but one thing, one thing I do know is I feel bad ever taking the time to play this at all.
