MPAA Rating: PG/ Genre: Animated Comedy/ Voices of: T.J. Miller, James Corden, Anna Faris, Maya Rudolph, Steven Wright, Jennifer Coolidge, Sir Patrick Stewart, Christina Aguilera, Sofia Vergara, Sean Hayes, Rachael Ray, Jeff Ross, Jake T. Austin, Tati Gabrielle/Runtime: 86 minutes

I think it is infinitely easy to say that the idea of a film based off those weird little faces and symbols in our cellular devices was a concept which was destined to fail from the instant it was revealed to the world. Yet, and quite astonishingly, The Emoji Movie actually was given the chance to be able to shrug the naysayers off and be a film that could tell everyone how wrong they were to dismiss it. A chance, by the way, which took the form of the fact that this movie was actually gifted with the tools to construct a movie which, although not great by any means, would at the very least have been mehhh, and that still would have been quite the achievement for this movie to accomplish. Then the filmmakers made a mistake by inserting a joke into the narrative. Then, clearly not learning their lesson the first time, the writers followed this up by adding a whole lot more, and the studio, being just as stupid, unfortunately let them keep their jokes in this mess. Of course with all of the jokes in place, something of course had to be put on the chopping block in their place. Unfortunately for us movie lovers, that “something else” turned out to be “everything else”. sigh

The “plot” is as follows: The Emoji Movie tells the “riveting saga” of an emoticon named Gene who spends his days living and existing as a Meh emoticon in the collection of emoji responses within a young man’s cellular device. This however soon changes seeing as Gene finds himself getting fired due to not being able to keep his Meh game face for very long if at all (oh the horror of free expressionism). However, what the world around Gene sees as a glitch actually opens the door for a “grand adventure” that will see our little emoji blue here team up with another emoji in the set known as….sigh….Hi-5 on a quest to find a little-seen emoticon who has the capability to repair everything known as Jailbreak (dun dun dunnnnnn!!)

Now I must confess: there is a small part of who I am as a cynical reviewer that honestly holds out hope going into abominations like this that even if the marketing was absolutely god-awful like this one’s most certainly was, that the marketing team messed up and the movie is actually quite good. Trust me: there have been instances where that has happened. This however is most certainly NOT one of those times. Rather this is a case of quite possibly the worst scenario imaginable. By that I mean this is a movie which chooses to actually be significantly worse than even the degree of projections that the advertising set up. Indeed it really does feel like at every single given opportunity this movie plain and simply cannot stop from utilizing every given chance to take the easy way out in regards to this atrocity’s jokes. This is because this “film” chooses to drag out as painfully as possible a significant amount of tiny outcomes back to back though there is never any build-up to these during the duration of the movie. Yet even in the moments where this film does try to present some kind of an overarching narrative, it is so flimsy that is just falls apart every single time it attempts to get revved up.

Speaking of advertisements for just a little bit longer, this is a film that is shamelessly filled to the brim with both plugs and “casually” dropping the names of quite a few real-life apps that you most likely have seen on your or someone else’s cellular device at some point and trust me when I say that it is NOT understated at all. Now if those particular instants in the film had actually been constructed into the framework of an actual narrative then they would have simply been referred to as unjustified and then we’d move on from them. However in this epic mess of a movie, it honestly takes you completely out of the film every single time and really gives off the impression that you are actually on your phone rather than viewing a film, though by the time this Titanic-esque disaster is done you will most certainly wish you were doing the former.

Yet perhaps the single worst felony that this “film” manages to commit is that this film’s cast of characters are jaw-droppingly bad and boring in equal measure. Indeed even with the “aid” of a actual roster of noteworthy celebrity voice talent (because you know….alcohol costs money) there really is no characterization to these characters other than just which emoticon they are supposed to be. I mean if this film’s main character as well as the world they and the other characters all exist in had actually been planned out a lot better, this may, key word may, have been possible to pull off. However without any growth on the part of any of the characters in this abomination, all this manages to do is irritate and maddeningly frustrate, and at least in that regard, this movie succeeds amazingly well.

Indeed even in the cliché point in the film where it looks like everything is about to go completely downhill for the world that these characters live in, as if it wasn’t already there to begin with, you as an audience member won’t even begin to remotely feel any particular empathy for them whatsoever. Alas this lack of emotion also manages to bleed over to the actual human characters in this catastrophe as well. This is because while the sub-plot of the emoji’s “operator” trying to get a girl to love him, despite his phone going wacko, does absolutely nothing to contribute to the gravitas it is attempting to create in this mess, it also has a pay-off which is even more astounding in its inane stupidity.

Yet as astonishing as it may be to hear, especially from a self-confessed cynic such as myself, and as I said before, I actually held out a little bit of hope that this film would actually turn out to be at the very least kinda decent. Yet even though it strongly desires to be seen as the next Wreck-It Ralph, or even Tron in a sense, all this movie manages to pull off is that it helps you in the audience remember that these much more enjoyable movies are available to find and cherish let alone the simple fact that these movies also managed to work with similar topics and did so in a way that was infinitely more superior. In fact, I will even go so far as to say that this is a movie which has the vibe of a neutered and way more sophomoric rendition of what Wreck-It-Ralph could have been.

All in all I don’t really know if your children will really be able to get into this movie. This is because, in addition to being just plain stupid and not worthy of any age group to begin with, this is a film that is not designed with the people at the bottom of the age chart in mind. With that being said, even the tween target audience will, if given a glimpse at even the trailer for this pathetic mess, be wise enough to see that this also isn’t for them. This, unfortunately, leaves it on the adult demographic to be amused by this, and that is just one arena that the less I say the better. Suffice it to say what I will say is this: this is a perfect example of a film that could have risen above the trepid response it got when it was first announced. However, surprise surprise, it is a movie which turned out to be even worse when fully-realized rather than just in the planning stages. Indeed this movie’s cast of characters is terrible, the plot is an appalling dump heap, and its reason for existing, beyond a quick payday for the cast, is one of life’s great mysteries. At this point the only thing remaining to tell you is just do yourself and those you love a favor and avoid this at all costs, or to use some tech lingo, swipe a hard left on this one and never, ever look back. On a scale of 1-5 I give The Emoji Movie a solid 1.5 out of 5.